I feel like these past few years, I can’t count how many times I’ve been downright uncomfortable with God. I always thought I knew Him, I knew Him, I knew Him–but to know what the Bible says is very different from reacting to God in real time.
So, I wanted to express some thoughts here about how super uncomfortable God has made me feel lately. Maybe it’ll ring true for some of you. If it doesn’t, these are just my feelings, and I hope you enjoy the look into my mind haha.
1. It makes me so uncomfortable how unafraid God is of darkness.
Theologically, this makes total sense. But when I’m just living my life, and things just get so dark, there’s something in me that feels that it must be incompatible with God. Why does the fact that God promises us that we will end up singing on the top of the mountain make it okay for us to be trampled in the valley? Doesn’t it make God want to fill in the bottom of the valley with dirt? Keep us sheltered from our enemies? Why does God only protect us sometimes?
I guess when You are light, there’s no need to hyper-control the darkness. It leaves when You enter, because there’s no darkness in light. No shadow in full illumination.
But I am uncomfortable with God’s confidence. Why doesn’t He worry? Doesn’t worry mean control? But worry is only a facade for control. And God doesn’t have to pretend to have power. He just has it. Gah.
2. It makes me so uncomfortable how wild God seems.
You may have heard about the Reckless Love debate–the popular worship song that some feel incorrectly portray God as unintentional. I’m not trying to throw my hat in that discussion, but what I really want to talk about is the word ‘reckless’. God seems so reckless sometimes, even unintentionally. Like nothing makes sense. He’s doing this! He’s doing that. He’s not doing this.
Isn’t goodness simple? But why do we see goodness as uncomplicated, as transparent?
If anything, God’s goodness is incredibly complicated and very hard to see into at times. Someone in Narnia or something calls God good, but not tame. It’s so true. He’s wild in all He does and doesn’t do. Because once again, He’s not worried, and He sees everything. He knows He’s not playing some boring game of chess, but He’s fighting fiercely. Abstaining intentionally. Watching continually.
I kinda hate it sometimes. I want God to be simple. When things get bad, I want to know exactly that it’s God who’s messing up and catch Him in the act. But it’s so silly. How in the world do I expect to understand enough, to have enough proof, to indict God? I just have to accept that I can’t tame Him, or even the idea of Him. That I might be in a perpetual state of ‘uncomfortable’ for the rest of my life. Which brings me to my next point.
3. It makes me uncomfortable how long term God is.
Like literally thinking in infinite terms. Always. This wild, wild God. All I want most days is to get through the moment by getting what I want NOW. No matter how illogical it is, even from a human perspective, I feel it every darn day. Give me what I want. It’s not like I want bad things all the time either. Honestly, a lot of the time I just want what I think God’s will is to be done.
But unfortunately, God’s will isn’t always what I think it is, and He definitely never does it how I think He will. Sigh. Why? Because He’s infinitely smarter than I am. And He’s thinking in terms of infinity. He wants the best for us in the long term.
You know one of those cheap, thin chained necklaces? Have you ever got one tangled? It was my childhood enemy. They are just so impossible to untangle. And you know what? How easy it would be to cut the necklace up and get a new chain? So easy! But what if that chain is meant for the long term? What if God really wants to save all He can? Bring full redemption? Well, He’s going to take His time untangling that chain. Let me tell you, it’s about a million steps. They’re so finicky.
But that’s my God. He’s infinitely patient, working towards full redemption the slow and sometimes painful way. What can I say? Do a worse job? All I can do is submit to His will, and sometimes scream when it seems too hard.
And yet God will do it. God will always do what He says. And God will always be who He is. He is who He is. Who am I to say He isn’t? But I’m thankful He lets me yell at Him and wave my fists at Him when I need to. I’m thankful He lets me take forever to understand. His patience and His grace trouble me by my human standards, but save me in my humanness.
So, praise be to God. What else can I do?
So, that’s my rant @ God! Don’t @ me hahaha.
(But feel free to pray for me, because it’s rough out there, man.)