Ripping Up Maps

Not to brag, but I lost grad school funding and basically all my paid work around the same time. Yes, I am very successful. Leave your congratulations in the comments.

Honestly, it’s really not fun. I thought I’d post about it, because I know others are dealing with the same issues, but I really wish I couldn’t relate. At times, I’ve felt like my self-esteem is a crumpled leaf. It was beautiful in its time, but now it’s a little dead and best used for compost.

Really, I’m enjoying a lot of my time locked inside. I’ve had a lot more time to write and to rest. I haven’t even had to drive, which is great, because I hate driving. I’m realizing a lot about my self, and I think in the long run, I’m going to have a much better sense of what I actually enjoy vs what I was only doing to look a little better to other people. In these sad times, I see my privilege and my potential gains clearly.

But I’m also working on recognizing my losses. One of the hardest losses to wrestle with has been feeling like ~my circumstances~ are absolutely ripping up the life maps I had drawn for myself. I literally have no plans. Sure, I have dreams, but all the concrete tools I planned on using to realize them… *Poof*

There is this feeling of like… what have I done wrong? Or if I haven’t messed anything up big time, why is this so unfair? Or why aren’t I strong enough to surpass my circumstances? But none of this, in the end, is about me anyway. It just is. It’s ruining far more than my life prospects.

And yet I can be sad about my own losses, and I may even need to be sad about it. It is sad. Putting the perspective-bandaid on it doesn’t change that I’ve been hurt beneath it. God-willing, I know I will heal in time, and opportunities will open up. But it doesn’t negate future healing to admit present pain–in fact it even validates the need for future healing. To heal, I must experience the pain.

Even Jesus cried when his friend Lazarus died, knowing that He would very shortly raise him from the dead. If that’s not pain regardless of confidence in hope, then I don’t know what is. I can see things in perspective and still react like someone with a heart that can break.

So, yeah, if you’re feeling similarly, then let’s rip up some maps together! Maybe we can make a collage with our ruined plans. 🙂


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