Written a few weeks prior, when I was unable to type the post out.
I have been struggling on and off with chronic pain for years. In this current episode, I’ve gone months (perhaps 5 or 6?) with nearly daily pain. I’m exhausted.
In the last month, there were 2 days in a row where my pain levels were so low I felt near painless. I was elated. I felt like I was floating on a cloud of peace from God.
And yet this current week I was left with such pain that I could barely do anything for 3 days straight. Here I am crying out to God for relief.
It’s hard to understand. Is my pain mainly from migraines? TMJ? Stress? I drown in frantic remedies, and yet the striving adds panic, adds pain. Lord, is there any way out?
I want to let go and trust God. I want to count it all joy and persevere. I want to be happy. If I’m happy when I’m painless, why can’t I be painless all the time?
Why does everything make it worse? I have no handle on this.
Right now I look to the cross. Standing in faith that was birth from pain and suffering. I remember the garden of Gethsemane where Jesus’ sweat was like drops of blood (Luke 22:44). I remember the lash wounds He bore on His body and how close He was to death even before He was hung on the cross. I remember how He refused the pain remedy they offered Him on a sponge. There was no doubt that His pain was integral in our redemption, that His pain empowered the resurrection.
I want to be holy and wise and, dare I say, successful in the face of struggle. I want to beat the pain, but it’s not so easy. Some days I wonder how long, and I fear that pain will recur for the rest of my earthly life. I know there will be healing in heaven, but here I am now on Earth. God, I need You now.
Whoever believes in Him should not truly die but have eternal life. A painless eternity.
Lord, relieve my pain now as a reminder of heaven. I can’t wait–in excitement, in desperation. May Heaven come to Earth, and may I receive Your Kingdom with glee and share such grace with those around me. May pain lead to relief; may pain lead to life.
My hands are open, oh LORD. Oh come, Lord Jesus, come.
Michelle E. Chin 